Grace

 "It is unearned love--the love that goes before, that greets us on the way. It's the help you receive when you have no bright ideas left, when you are empty and desperate and have discovered that your best thinking and most charming charm have failed you. Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there."

- Anne Lamott Traveling Mercies 

This is my Grace. She is ten. Someday I will tell her that this passage from Anne Lamott's novel is how Bryan and I arrived at the name Grace. She wasn't planned. Actually there was a trip to Hawaii planned in 2000 ...but God had different plans for us- and I could NOT be more grateful.  If you spend any amount of time with her you would realize that she has fulfilled the quote and then some. I know that I have not earned her. Her heart is far more pure than mine. She can often anticipate what others need before they even know it. For example, in February, I was scheduled to be evaluated by my principal during third period English. This is a big deal. It is a long process that includes mounds of paper work and scheduling and a solid dose of anxiety. Well, the day came, and Grace had a fever of 103...for the second day. I couldn't miss school again for the second day, especially on the day I was being evaluated by my boss. I called everyone. Bryan had a full patient schedule. My mother in-law had to work. My mom was busy. I sat and cried not knowing what to do... and Grace... this " light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place" got off the couch, gave me a hug and apologized for being sick. This is the kind of kid I have. She is sick. I am sad..and she tried to take care of me. We sat and snuggled and made promises to eachother.  Promises that I will NEVER forget.

She is my first. I often learn more from her about parenting than I think I have to offer her. She is my "experiment." Today she is at King's Island with a friend. This after a few sleepless nights, anxiety dreams, and praying the "Hail Mary" every two hours since she left this morning asking our Blessed Mother to protect her. Before she left, we agreed that if she was scared or nervous at any point we would pray for eachother at noon, two, four, and so on... We went through a litany of scenarios about "what to do." Truth be told- I didn't think I was ready to let her go with a friend (and friend's mom ) but that is how it is with her..she is the oldest. There is no road map. I have no experience. It reminds me of when Bryan and I put her in the carseat and the nurse walked us out to the car when I was released from the hospital a few days after she was born... Bryan and I sat in the car waiting... for 15 minutes. Finally,  I said "I don't think anyone is coming out" and he said "what do we do?" and I responded "Clearly, we are not qualified to take her home."   I often feel like I am not qualified to raise her.  I have a master's degree...my husband is has a doctorate... we still stay up at night...OFTEN... trying to figure out what is best for her. We are "empty and desperate and have discovered that our best thinking and most charming charm have failed us."

We are an "anti" kids having a cell phone family. However---today, Grace took her Daddy's cell phone to King's Island because clearly she might need me at some point.  Truth be known--- I needed her. I needed to know that she was OK. She sent me 13 text messages today and I hung on to each one like it was a breaking news on CNN. Some messages were asking for advice (with horrific spelling errors I might add)...but most of them read like this "scary ride mom!!! freacked out, but i am ok. I love u. don't worrie about me."

If she only knew. My whole life is about her... and her sister and her brother. I won't feel whole until I have them all home. My sweet Grace...my unearned love... I am grateful to be here...grateful to be your mom.